Oblivious
by Novocain
Summary: [“It throbs,” Harry whimpered. “Put me out of my misery, please. I’m begging you! Do you get off on torture?” There was a choked sound from Snape’s vicinity.] Wherein Harry is oblivious, Snape is horny, and Luna makes bets with Hogwarts. Humor fic.


It was a sunny, clear morning when the madness started. Harry had been quite innocently eating his bangers and mash and listening to Hermione and Ron bicker when Luna appeared beside him.

"Aaargh!" Harry shrieked at the sudden presence.

"Hello, Harry," she replied calmly, as if people usually screamed when they saw her.

"Luna, what the hell?" For all Harry knew, they did.

Luna blinked, and then twirled one of her dreadlocks around her index finger. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. How are your socks doing?"

"Fine, thanks," he said. He was used to this part of Luna. He was not - NOT, do you hear him! - used to the ghostly apparition thing. "I like your hair, Luna."

"Yes, well, the gremlins just wouldn't leave it alone," she said dreamily.

Harry was fairly sure he didn't want to touch that one. He cleared his throat. "Erm, Luna? Is there something I can do for you?"

She looked somewhat shocked. "Oh, no! But the jiggerwags were all wagging about _something very interesting_ happening to you today." Harry palmed his face. "Did you know that the Chinese think the most dangerous curse in the world to be 'May your life be interesting'?"

"No," Harry grumbled through his hand, "I didn't. But I do believe I have a better understanding of the bloody curse than most. I think I pissed off a clan of Chinese at birth."

"No, no," Luna said distantly. "You just pissed off a couple of the Higher Beings, is all. Myrddin wants to cut off one of your ears, which I think would be sad. You're going to need that ear so a serpent can hiss in it."

Harry looked a little gray. "...Right, Luna. I completely agree that I need my ear."

"You don't agree with the why? But it's going to be so very sexy," said Luna.

"Huh?" said Harry.

"Oh, look. There's Professor Snape. My, those heffalumps don't look very friendly."

"Where?" he gasped, simultaneously whipping his head around and ducking down in his seat. This resulted in the sausage Harry had speared on his fork flying through the air to land right in front of Snape.

"Where are the heffalumps? Why, they're chasing Professor Snape's robe hem, Harry."

"Shh! Don't say my name!" Harry hissed.

Snape paused in his gliding stride, slowly looking Harry's way.

Harry got ready to squeak in fear, but the older man merely nodded at him and... grinned? No. Smirked. Snape didn't _smile_.

"What the fuck?" the Boy Who Kicked Dark Lord Arse asked the table edge as Snape swept up to the Head Table.

"All I have to say is this: don't forget to swallow," voiced Luna. And she smiled dreamily.

* * *

The madness didn't stop at the breakfast table like it should have if any Higher Being had loved Harry at all. Harry could have wiped the memory of breakfast from his mind.

But nooo. The madness persisted.

After Luna wandered off, Harry stared at the table edge as if it held the answers to life and Snape for five minutes before realizing that Hermione and Ron had left for Transfigurations already, still bickering. He supposed they hadn't seen him, sitting as low down as he was.

...Harry was NOT SHORT. He was simply... vertically challenged. Yeah. He was just as tall as... some of the girls in seventh year. And being vertically challenged did not lend him a "delicate androgynous air", as Hermione had put it before he held her at wandpoint and insisted she never bring up the matter again.

Right. So... yeah.

Ahem.

He realized that he would be late to Transfigurations in exactly forty-three seconds.

He ran like there were heffalumps chasing his robe hem.

(Technically, of course, one should not run when heffalumps are chasing ones robe hem. They smell fear, according to Luna, and she will inform any who ask that coming to a halt and calmly offering them cheese - not honey, which is a common misconception - will throw them off ones trail.)

Harry arrived at the Transfiguration classroom six seconds late, gasping wildly for breath. McGonagall, usually quite strict, was feeling kind toward Harry since his defeat of Voldemort and only deducted five points.

Harry felt privately that he should have just accepted being late and forgone the sprint through five halls and up three flights of stairs in forty-nine seconds.

He was still trying to catch his breath as he slid into his seat between Ron and Hermione, who broke off their argument so Hermione could scold him.

"Harry, where have you been?" she whispered furiously.

He sent her a Look that clearly said "Are you serious?" as he tried to stop hyperventilating.

He was unsuccessful. Hermione started lecturing him as Ron whispered with Dean.

Harry was very pale. He couldn't catch his breath. Hermione didn't notice. Ron continued whispering.

Harry waved his arms weakly, breathing quicker and quicker, and Hermione still didn't notice.

"- Can't believe you would - "

"'Mione," he gasped, "can't - breathe!"

His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he hit the floor with a thump.

She turned to look at him and was met with empty air. "What?" Hermione looked down. "Oh! Professor McGonagall!"

* * *

When Harry woke, it was to a quiet exchange between a silky voice and a rather no-nonsense one.

"-- don't see what that has to do with anything. I have quite clearly accepted who he is not. As evidenced by my decision to - "

"Bang him senseless at the first available opportunity?" asked the no-nonsense voice innocently.

"Well, yes," Silky said grudgingly. "And in many different positions. He has a rather delicate, androgynous air, doesn't he?"

A low laugh. "Why, I've been wondering what your taste in men is for years, and that's it? Well, if that's your type, you can do no better."

Harry groaned and wondered why his lungs felt so tight and his head so fuzzy. He opened his eyes to see a black blob and a white blob towering over his bed.

"Oh! Mr. Potter!" No-Nonsense (who Harry assumed to be Madame Pomfrey) said, sounding somewhat flustered. "You're awake! How do you feel?"

"Erm," Harry said intelligently. "Head. Pain."

"Well, yes, I would imagine so."

"Happened?"

If Harry had been in possession of his glasses, he would have seen the rather amused look that passed over Madame Pomfrey's face. She coughed. "Mr. Potter, you hyperventilated during Professor McGonagall's class. When you passed out, you hit your head on the stone floor. Thankfully, you don't have a concussion. You should simply be in a lot of pain, as I surmise you are experiencing."

Harry grunted and moaned loudly as grunting hurt his head even more. He heard someone rustling their robes and clearing their throats in an awkward fashion. He cracked open one eye. When had he closed them? Didn't matter, he decided.

All he could see was White Blob - Madame Pomfrey - and Dark Blob.

"Glasses?" he whimpered.

Dark Blob cleared his throat again. His voice sounded rather strangled as he said, "Here," and slid Harry's glasses on him.

Harry's sight cleared significantly. Dark Blob was - "Professor Snape!" he squeaked, pain temporarily forgotten as adrenaline rushed through him.

"Yes, Potter. How are you feeling?"

Snape looked rather tense, Harry couldn't help but notice. "Erm, fine. Fine. Absolutely fine. No weaknesses here, no sirree. Um, sir, is there anything I can do for you?" _So you'll leave me to wallow in my pain in private?_ he added silently.

Snape's face twisted. "No - nothing at the moment." There was definitely something wrong with the man's voice, Harry decided, trying to blow his hair out of his eyes and stopping _that_ right quick when his head pulsated in agony. He forgot Snape.

"It _throbs_," Harry whimpered. "Put me out of my misery, _please_. I'm begging you! Do you get off on torture?"

There was a choked sound from Snape's vicinity. "Poppy! If you don't give him his medicine _right fucking quick_, I won't be held responsible for my actions! I would like him to be in possession of all his faculties, but that may not be an option if this continues!"

_That's awfully nice of Snape_, Harry thought muzzily. _He actually wants my pain to go away. Probably so he can kill me while I fully appreciate the pain, but still._

"Okay, okay," a grumpy-sounding Madame Pomfrey said. "Ruin my fun..." she muttered as Harry heard clinking glass vials. Fun? _Fun_? What about this was _fun_? "Bottoms up, Mr. Potter."

Harry opened his mouth greedily, noticing absently that the vial was a lot bigger than usual. Really big. Merlin. His mouth barely fit over the opening, and she had turned it completely upside down. Harry lifted his hand to better steady the enormous vial and slide it into his mouth a little more.

A bit of foul-tasting potion trailed out of the corner of his mouth.

"Slowly, Mr. Potter. It's a lot to handle," said a decidedly mischievous-sounding Madame Pomfrey.

He made an agreeing hum.

Somebody whimpered.

There was an evil cackle.

_...What?_

Harry's eyes shot open. He hadn't heard a cackle that evil since he had defeated Voldemort. He sat up with a lurch, knocking Madame Pomfrey's hand away, and tried to whip out his wand before realizing...

He was inexplicably naked.

He attempted to say, "What the fuck!" but it came out as "Hm hm HMM!" due to the very large vial that was still in his mouth. He slid it out with a wet pop and shook his head.

"It's too big!" he said angrily. Another whimper sounded through the room. "And where's my wand?"

Madame Pomfrey looked only a little guilty. "I confiscated it," she replied primly. "You were not in possession of all your faculties when you woke. I did not deem it fit for you to have access to your wand quite yet. Anything else?"

"Why don't you tell me why the bloody hell I'm starkers!" Harry scowled at her and lifted up his sheets as outraged emphasis to his words, unknowingly giving Snape a free show.

A groan interrupted Pomfrey before she could get started. She glanced sharply at Snape, noticing his flushed face and clenched fists. "Severus, perhaps you should get back to brewing?"

Snape turned to her stiffly. "Yes. Brewing. Shall get right on it. If you'll excuse me, Poppy." He nodded in Harry's direction without looking at him. "Potter." He walked with difficulty out of the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey eying him apologetically all the way.

Harry pondered Snape's strange behavior for five seconds before dismissing it and facing Madame Pomfrey expectantly. She looked a bit nervous.

* * *

Harry was released from the Hospital Wing an hour later, just in time for lunch. He headed to the Great Hall cheerfully, fully convinced that the day's madness quota had been filled and only normal, good things were to come.

As always, he was wrong. He knew he was wrong when, just as he was lifting a fork-load of peas to his mouth, Luna appeared beside him.

"Aaargh!" Harry shrieked at the sudden presence. Peas flew everywhere.

Luna picked one out of her hair and stared at it carefully before placing in her mouth.

"Hello, Harry," she replied calmly, as if people usually screamed when they saw her.

"Luna, what the _hell_?" For all Harry knew, they did.

Luna blinked, and then twirled one of her dreadlocks around her index finger. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. How are your socks doing?"

"Fi - " he started to say before being hit with deja vu. "Hang it a minute, I am not having this conversation with you all over again," he said fiercely. "No. Just _no_."

Luna looked vaguely miffed, but only vaguely. "Darn. Foiled. Told you," she said to thin air. "You owe me five galleons. He's not _that_ oblivious."

"Huh?"

Luna looked at Harry as if surprised to see him there. "Oh! Hello, Harry. I heard you were in the hospital wing."

"Yeah, I fell and hit my head on the floor. Luckily, I didn't get a concussion."

"Yes, very lucky - Ares must have knocked Myrddin unconscious. Hogwarts doesn't like you very much. I apologize."

"Huh?"

"Oh, look. There's Professor Snape. My, those heffalumps don't look very friendly."

Harry refused to panic and make an ass of himself. "Of course."

"Do you suppose I should tell him how to get rid of the heffalumps?"

"Of course," he muttered, not listening as he tried to curb his ingrained instinct to duck whenever Snape was near.

"Right. PROFESSOR SNAPE!" she yelled abruptly, creating a double-take, what-the-fuck moment. She waved her arm at Snape as he looked her way, a sneer on his face and a scathing comment on his tongue until he saw that the weird girl hollering for him was standing next to Harry. "OVER HERE!"

Snape lifted his chin arrogantly and strode over. Harry tried desperately to hide his burning cheeks. "Luna," he hissed, "would you tone it down?"

"Of course, Harry," she said in a perfectly normal (for her) voice.

Snape arrived. Harry tried not to yelp at the aggressive expression on the dark man's face when he looked at Harry.

"Ms. Lovegood, is it?" Snape drawled, eyeing Harry.

"Yes, it is," she said calmly. "Call me Luna, though. I shall call you Sev." Snape snapped his eyes to Luna. He looked like he'd just been told that Sirius was alive again - in short, completely shocked, slightly horrified, and a step away from swearing out the Higher Beings in a 'Why me?' sort of way. Luna soldiered on. "Sev, I noticed that you have heffalumps chasing you. I wasn't sure if you were one of the uneducated who believe that heffalumps are deterred by honey - " here, she rolled her eyes; such a trick was obviously faulty - "but I thought I should tell you (and Harry agreed with me) that you must leave them some cheese. Otherwise, they'll give you some perfectly horrid nightmares.

"And, Sev," she added frankly, "with your nightmare material, I wouldn't chance it."

Luna stared at Snape expectantly. Snape stared back, completely nonplussed. Harry tried not to cower while finishing off his peas.

Snape finally seemed to decide to ignore the past five minutes... and the Lovegood girl, because she was slightly nuts and on the left side of weird. He switched his gaze back over to Harry, who had moved on to the meatloaf and was trying resolutely to block out the existence of anyone else.

_Potter thinks he can ignore me, huh? I think not._

"Potter!" Snape barked out. Harry's head swiveled around so fast that he got a crick in his neck.

"Ow ow ow ow ow - sir? Ow..." Harry grimaced in pain.

Snape smirked. _Oh yeah. The Sevster has still got it. I wonder if I can make him respond like that in bed._ He considered it for a moment and had to stop. Place and time, you know. _...I definitely could._

Then: ..._Note: must stop referring to myself with that ridiculous nickname Dolohov gave me. _

Harry was oblivious to the professor's licentious thoughts, still massaging his neck. "Sir?"

Snape realized that he hadn't thought of anything to say. _Bugger. When in doubt..._ "Detention! Tonight at eight o'clock. My classroom."

Harry stared at him incredulously. "Huh? What did I do?"

"You grew to be bloody gorgeous," Snape muttered to himself.

"Huh?"

"You were born!" Snape said loudly before sweeping away.

Harry stared after him, shock still evident on his face. He looked down at his plate, only to see the last of his meatloaf disappearing into Luna's mouth. He ignored it, occupied with more important things.

"What the fuck!"

"When in doubt, moan," Luna advised wisely.

* * *

Harry made sure to leave the Hall on time. He was tempted to wait out the rest of the cursed day in his dorm, but he already had one detention and didn't need another.

He headed to the dungeons, on the look out for slippery substances, raised stones in the halls, moving staircases, and stray spells. Hermione and Ron (still fighting) trailed behind him. Why did he hang out with those two again?

In any case, he made it to the Potions classroom without incident and sighed in relief.

He sighed too soon.

"Today," Snape said with an air of lazy menace, "we shall be brewing the Lache Potion. Nicholas Lache created this potion while searching for the cure for genital warts." Several people giggled. Snape looked annoyed. "Instead, he found the cure for heart disease." Harry was fairly sure he heard Snape mumble, "Lucky prat," but he wasn't sure. He decided to ignore it. He realized he was blocking out a lot of things on this mad, mad day and promptly decided to ignore that, too. "The instructions are on the board," Snape continued, glaring. "Get to it."

Harry looked at the board and let out another relieved sigh. It was a simple potion, far beneath their level as Seventh Years. Whatever. He wasn't going to look a gift horse in the ass. He could brew the Lache Potion, no problem.

Well.

Let it be noted that Higher Beings, as a rule, do not like absolutes. When one is Harry Potter and a few Higher Beings already hate you, it is not a good idea to get the rest of them thumbing their collective (figurative) nose at you.

Somehow, it always turns out as follows:

**_BOOM!!_**

They all coughed as the smoke cleared to show a naked Harry Potter cowering where the explosion had thrown him.

Or, really, a naked _Harriet_ Potter cowering where the explosion had thrown _her_.

Snape would have been happy if it was a naked _Harry_ Potter. He would have tried to get a grope in, as well. As it was...

"POTTER! HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO TURN A CURE FOR HEART DISEASE INTO A GENDER-SWITCHING POTION?! #&!"

* * *

Harry slumped over his plate, picking half-heartedly at his dinner. With the way the day had gone, he wouldn't have been surprised if he ate his chicken pot pie and choked on an unexpected bone. He had had to miss the rest of Potions and all of Divination in order to get his gender switched back... which, now that he thought on it, wasn't really a bad deal. He brightened and scooped up a big bite of the chicken pot pie. But no. Harry lowered his fork again. Better not to risk it.

...He was so hungry. Being a girl had taken a lot out of him. He shuddered. They were so _emotional_. And they had _breasts_. He twitched violently and tried to scrub the thought from his brain.

Luna appeared beside him.

Harry didn't notice, too busy trying to erase the notion of breasts from his mind.

"Hello, Harry."

"Hey, Luna," he said distractedly. He suddenly looked at her desperately. "Say something weird you believe in! Please!"

Luna looked straight at him. "Harry, Professor Snape wants to bang you senseless."

He stopped shuddering and stared at her. "...Huh?"

Luna's jaw twitched, either from irritation or from desperately attempting to suppress laughter - no one knows except Hogwarts Castle. "Snape wants to bang you senseless. In many different positions."

He kept staring at her. "Huh?"

"Harry," she said gently. "Hasn't Snape been acting strangely lately?"

"Well..." Harry thought for a moment. "Yes, I suppose so."

"Ah," she said encouragingly. "And how has he been acting?"

"Well... I dunno. Making weird faces and noises."

"Mm. Why?"

Harry thought back.

_It's too big!_

"No reason that I can think of," he said thoughtfully.

Luna hummed. "You owe me another five galleons." Pause. "No, I don't care where you get my money from, as long as it's not from me."

"Huh?"

Luna waved her hand airily, dismissing the matter of her talking to thin air. "Oh, look. There's Professor Snape. Oh, the heffalumps are gone. Good. He must have followed my advice and given them cheese." She glanced at him knowingly. "No one can resist cheese."

"Er... right." Harry wasn't paying attention. Snape? Bang? Him? Snape? Him? Banging? Him? Snape? Banging? The idea wasn't... totally repulsive. The man had beautiful hands... long, long fingers... Harry blushed.

Snape appeared beside him.

"Aaargh!" Harry shrieked at the sudden presence.

"Hello, Harry," Snape said calmly.

Harry blushed harder.

_Wait... did he just call me "Harry"?_

"Harry, I just wanted to make sure Madame Pomfrey managed to reverse the gender-switching potion you inadvertently created." The man looked faintly anxious.

_He did just call me Harry! Twice! &#&!_

"Erm. Yes. Sir. Snape. Sir. Sev. SIR!"

Snape stared at him, a what-did-you-just-say look on his face.

_Intense eyes. Bad Harry!_

"Right," Harry babbled. "All switched back. Have a cock. No breasts."

Snape closed his eyes. "Yes," he said hoarsely. "Yes, I'm sure you do."

"Yeah. I do."

"Good."

"Right, I agree."

"Eight o'clock, my classroom. Double detention for exploding your potion earlier."

"Will be there, sir."

Snape cleared his throat and just looked at Harry for an instant, his eyes asking... something that Harry couldn't put his finger on.

Snape walked away.

"What the fuck?"

"Yes," said Luna.

* * *

When he knocked on the elaborate mahogany door of Snape's classroom an hour later, Harry knew what he was going to do.

"Sir," Harry said between kisses, "don't - you - think - mmph! - you're - ah! - wearing - too many clothes?"

Suddenly Snape's hot body was gone. Harry blinked and he was being carried through a door he hadn't seen before that opened into a lavish bedroom decorated in red and black.

_Okay, I'll think about the irony of Snape's bedroom being red at some other time_, Harry thought firmly. He was tossed on the bed and he rolled over to watch Snape undress.

First went the shirt, button by button. Then went the boots, flying into separate corners. Finally, the trousers came off.

He wasn't wearing any skivvies.

Harry smiled, and Severus smirked back.

* * *

A/N: I wrote this for seven hours straight! Seven! Okay, I broke to get a quick dinner, but this is THE LONGEST FANFICTION ONESHOT I HAVE EVER WRITTEN. Oh, if you lot want to read the sex scene, which is both before and after the last scene on this site - I cut and pasted shamelessly, yes - go to my profile at HPFandom. It's my homepage.

Prince Edwin, it's all your fault.

People, Prince Edwin is a fantastic writer. Check her out. She inspired me to write a very rare humor. Well, this was actually her request, but she didn't request HUMOR. She just asked for Oblivious!Submissive!Harry and an addition of Luna, along w/ a few rules. But if you're reading this on FFNet, then you don't get to read the sex scene. GO TO HPFANDOM! IT'S MY HOMEPAGE! While you're at it, check out my smut fic Annientamento.

How did I do? Like I said, I don't write humor often. I mostly just torture my characters and leave my readers hopeless and dead inside.

Wow, I'm awful.


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